Year after year I have made the same mistake - running from love. I convince myself with every relationship that I enter - it's ok to give my heart to someone - just not all of it. I am going to be sixty in September and I have given my heart to everyone , at least some of it to individuals -- to everyone but the person that counts. The person that matters. For over 40 years I have loved just one person and she knows who she is! My heart can love no other....it bleeds the letters LOVE everyday. I breathe air but I am frozen in time. I can't move beyond my love for you! I have been paralyzed....with memories of your smile, your eyes, your smell and your beautiful voice. We shared one kiss and the warmth of that kiss captured me forever. I don't live in the past...I live in the present evey day....wishing my life would be different! I want my last years to be free of anyone but you....I am far from being delusional....I know what I want....do you?
Truly - With a Heart of Love,
BJ Tierney
5/29/2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Is 30 Minutes Enough?
Is 30 Minutes
Enough?
I've always said, “In order to be healthy, your mind,
body and soul have to be ONE.” 30 minutes of exercise, 30 minutes
of meditation and 30 minutes in therapy! All well and good, but if your
body is wracked with pain and the prescribed meds you take are causing you to
grow by leaps and bounds, how can 30 minutes of exercise be enough? Of
course diet is key...but when stressed, I eat! I don't even feel like
exercising because of my pain. I know, you say, "excuses, excuses,
excuses." The truth is, I just have to do it! But oh...the
pain.
Pain management for those suffering with mental health
issues is a tremendous concern. I don't know about you, but the
older I get the less tolerant I am to pain. That's when I try to breathe,
focus or meditate. Meditation works if you do it every day----helps calm your
soul.
What about the mind though? 30 minutes of
therapy -- is once a month really enough?
It's taken me 10 years to get to this point in my quest
toward a healthy mind and only in the last 3 years have I made any significant
progress after attending an inpatient treatment center in Lyons New
Jersey. It was there that I learned you have to Feel, Deal and Heal. I meditated, I
walked with the help of a walker and tried to eat well...but I was in long term
therapy and that's the difference. It's my personal belief that 30
minutes of therapy once a month is not enough for those who have serious mental
health issues. You realize that when it takes 10 minutes to take off and
put on your coat in the therapist's office. We all know there is limited access
for every veteran for Mental Health Care and that time is precious. The
Mental Health staff are stressed themselves to be able to meet the demand and
case load. You can see it in their faces-- I'm sure they too, need help
from the case load.
While I was very excited and proud that the VA hired over 1600 Mental Health Professionals to expand health care and provide outreach efforts a year ago to show good faith commitment to the health and well-being of the men and women who have served our Nation – we must do all we can to continue to increase their access to care. So what's the answer? If you extend the time to one hour, less veterans will be seen with our existing staff.
The answer is simple: Continue to hire more mental
health care staff to meet the demands. Shouldn't we have learned this
from Vietnam? More important, let's afford every veteran with serious
mental health issues the opportunity to attend inpatient treatment, open more
access to mental health and make sure women veterans get equal access. I
had to travel clear across the country to get my extended inpatient care,
even though the Denver VA is a large facility. There was no PTSD program
for women veterans in Denver either. That's an issue we must address as
well -- access to treatment near our homes. Let's not make sick veterans travel
clear across country to get their care. Congress must fully fund these
programs and deal with mental health issues regarding all our veterans - be
they active duty, reserve, retired, etc.
Mental Health issues are a community crisis now and it
will take a Village of mental health professionals to ensure adequate care.
Every American should be afforded mental health care. To deny access is
to deny a basic human right.
Feel, Deal and Heal - is 30 minutes enough? I don't think so!
Bonnie Tierney
Author, Poet, Disabled Veteran
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
The Mind Game - Nobody Ever Wins
Just before I left work today, April 2, 2014, I heard about another shooting at Fort Hood and it took me completely by surprise. The last shooting angered me beyond belief because it involved a military officer who happened to be a psychiatrist and a terrorist as well. Why would that shooting affect me so deeply?
Nearly 31 years ago, while I was a young Lieutenant on active duty with the United States Air Force and serving in Frankfurt, Germany, I was one of the officers in charge of the identification and processing of the 241 Marines, saliors and soldiers that were killed while sleeping in the Marine Barracks in Beirut, Lebanon on October 23, 1983. I will never forget my involvement and what I witnessed in the tents in order to send our troops home with honor and dignity. My life was changed forever.
I wrote a book, http://www.outskirtspress.com/LockedInTime about my experiences after I left the military as a Major with prior enlisted experience, just one year short of a full military retirement because unknowingly I had PTSD. I was deep in depression when I wrote my book, had suicidal thoughts but I wanted to capture the craziness I was going through for the Mental Health community. Getting into the head of a soldier is like playing "The Mind Game." Simply -- the troops won't let you in for the most part because they are afraid. Afraid to tell you that they are not only suicidal but homicidal as well. I know -- because I played "The Mind Game" too.
This shooting at Fort Hood had to be different - or was it? Five years have passed since the last Fort Hood shooting and that's five more years of therapy for me. I'm in a better place now because of the treatment I've received from the Department of Veterans Affairs mental health team and so I process this information differently.
Today, I'm extremely concerned about the welfare of all our troops, particularly those who have served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. They play "The Mind Game" well while on active duty. Unfortunately, many still feel asking for help would be a detriment to their active duty careers and so they hide their concerns and issues, blow up at their spouses when no one is around, take it out on their kids or yell at their neighbors. Most have short fuses and are angered easily. Let's not forget about road rage -- let's tailgate and piss off the driver who cuts us off, maybe even go as so far to follow them home. In my case, several years ago, I used my car as a "weapon" to pin some teenagers up against a snow bank when they threw snowballs at my car. I chased them down and threatened to shoot them the next time I caught them throwing snowballs at cars! Was my reaction reasonable? Of course not -- and it's this type of behavior that will get me killed.
The shooter is dead. No doubt it had to end that way for the soldier after the shooting spree because in his mind -- there was no way out. We think there is no way out -- but there is! I wished I would have contacted the Department of Veterans Affairs when I was on active duty and in my last year before retirement. I couldn't bring myself to ask for help -- so I gave up 19 years on active duty and left the military. It took me a very long time to ask for help but I'm alive today because I did.
I wonder if today's shooter was suffering from PTSD, had mental health issues and was equally as reluctant to ask for help. I wonder so many things now. Even if he didn't suffer from PTSD, anyone who resorts to gun violence and taking the lives of innocent people, are crying for help.
One final thought. Today's troops are fighting a war in urban development. It's not like the guys who fought in Vietnam in the jungle. Going through a simple door can be an upsetting event for someone who has experienced trauma -- driving down the highway can trigger events too. Don't play "The Mind Game" -- nobody ever wins.
With a Heart of Love
Bonnie J. Tierney
Nearly 31 years ago, while I was a young Lieutenant on active duty with the United States Air Force and serving in Frankfurt, Germany, I was one of the officers in charge of the identification and processing of the 241 Marines, saliors and soldiers that were killed while sleeping in the Marine Barracks in Beirut, Lebanon on October 23, 1983. I will never forget my involvement and what I witnessed in the tents in order to send our troops home with honor and dignity. My life was changed forever.
I wrote a book, http://www.outskirtspress.com/LockedInTime about my experiences after I left the military as a Major with prior enlisted experience, just one year short of a full military retirement because unknowingly I had PTSD. I was deep in depression when I wrote my book, had suicidal thoughts but I wanted to capture the craziness I was going through for the Mental Health community. Getting into the head of a soldier is like playing "The Mind Game." Simply -- the troops won't let you in for the most part because they are afraid. Afraid to tell you that they are not only suicidal but homicidal as well. I know -- because I played "The Mind Game" too.
This shooting at Fort Hood had to be different - or was it? Five years have passed since the last Fort Hood shooting and that's five more years of therapy for me. I'm in a better place now because of the treatment I've received from the Department of Veterans Affairs mental health team and so I process this information differently.
Today, I'm extremely concerned about the welfare of all our troops, particularly those who have served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. They play "The Mind Game" well while on active duty. Unfortunately, many still feel asking for help would be a detriment to their active duty careers and so they hide their concerns and issues, blow up at their spouses when no one is around, take it out on their kids or yell at their neighbors. Most have short fuses and are angered easily. Let's not forget about road rage -- let's tailgate and piss off the driver who cuts us off, maybe even go as so far to follow them home. In my case, several years ago, I used my car as a "weapon" to pin some teenagers up against a snow bank when they threw snowballs at my car. I chased them down and threatened to shoot them the next time I caught them throwing snowballs at cars! Was my reaction reasonable? Of course not -- and it's this type of behavior that will get me killed.
The shooter is dead. No doubt it had to end that way for the soldier after the shooting spree because in his mind -- there was no way out. We think there is no way out -- but there is! I wished I would have contacted the Department of Veterans Affairs when I was on active duty and in my last year before retirement. I couldn't bring myself to ask for help -- so I gave up 19 years on active duty and left the military. It took me a very long time to ask for help but I'm alive today because I did.
I wonder if today's shooter was suffering from PTSD, had mental health issues and was equally as reluctant to ask for help. I wonder so many things now. Even if he didn't suffer from PTSD, anyone who resorts to gun violence and taking the lives of innocent people, are crying for help.
One final thought. Today's troops are fighting a war in urban development. It's not like the guys who fought in Vietnam in the jungle. Going through a simple door can be an upsetting event for someone who has experienced trauma -- driving down the highway can trigger events too. Don't play "The Mind Game" -- nobody ever wins.
With a Heart of Love
Bonnie J. Tierney
Friday, November 25, 2011
Another Book On the Horizon
It's Friday - Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. I've been thinking long and hard about writing again -- and I finally began putting pen to paper. Well, fingers to keyboard more like it. I'm going to write another book and this time, I'm healthy. I know Locked in Time - I Still Remember and Always Will upset many of the Beirut Bombing victim's families because no doubt they wanted me to write about what happened in the weeks following the tragic bombing of the Marine Barracks in Beirut on October 23, 1983. The simple truth is -- day after day we did the same thing and it wasn't a very pretty sight. I wrote what I could to the best of my ability and I did it for me -- because it was a self-help book. Many who pick up my book think that it will be mostly about the bombing and it was not. While I will never forget what happened, I have to say, the book was more about my personal life experiences and much of the mental anguish I was suffering as a result. Today, after treatment (thankfully) from the Department of Veterans Affairs in Lyon's New Jersey at the military Women's Treatment Unit (WTU), I gained some valuable tools to help me cope with life's tragedies and now, I just want to write about it. I want to write about mental illness and how devastating it can be to family members and I want to tell the story of how "angels continue to walk" with me everyday to help me spread the word that the real "GRACE" comes from God -- whoever He or She may be! Be on the look out for more writings from the "Blue Eyed Blogger."
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Attached to Things
Why is it as Americans we are so "attached to things"? Our life would be so much simplier if we just managed to pair down and be satisfied with a roof over our head, good health and a little food on the table. I'm reminded today after a conversation I had with a woman who remembered me when I lived in the Philippines...that you don't have to be rich to have a good heart -- in fact, most people who are very poor have very big hearts.
What matters in life are not the things that we have but rather our health. As I drag around "Jordan" my oxgen tank, here in the Denver Mile High City, I realize that I have always thought the richest people in the world are those with good health. I'm not religious but I do remember that Christ said, "take up your cross and follow me" and somehow, we as Americans are not really doing that at all because we are attached to "our things." Which one of us can be like Mother Theresa? Can we sell all that we have and unburden our souls with the weight of a wasteful life? Things just hold us down from becoming the best we can be....we are not measured by the material things we have but rather by what we do in life.
If you're attached to "things" let them go -- measure your worth by how much you can let go and how much you can "give". Life is truly about giving and I don't mean in the material sense. I work at the Department of Veterans Affairs, commonly referred to as the VA. The other day, a man came off the street and was homeless and he asked for me by name. I was surprised because he came looking for a job. He said he heard that I "helped" people and was wondering how much help I would be able to give him. I gave him my "time" and you know what -- time is precious and I think I did my good deed for the day when I spent time with this gentleman. In the end, I helped the man write a resume, showed him how to muddle through all the government forms (what a maze) and then I ran off copies for him to just fill in and apply for various jobs. You would have thought I just opened up the world to him but what I did was give him "Hope" -- so you see that's really what we "give" is "hope" and "encouragement" to our fellow human beings who may be struggling and are less off than we are.
For me - I opt to "stop being attached to things" and "give" "hope" and my time to my fellow human beings. In the end...I will have considered my life to be very successful as a result. In a sense, I have my cross...and for today, I have been a good and faithful servant. How about you? Are you "attached to things?"
What matters in life are not the things that we have but rather our health. As I drag around "Jordan" my oxgen tank, here in the Denver Mile High City, I realize that I have always thought the richest people in the world are those with good health. I'm not religious but I do remember that Christ said, "take up your cross and follow me" and somehow, we as Americans are not really doing that at all because we are attached to "our things." Which one of us can be like Mother Theresa? Can we sell all that we have and unburden our souls with the weight of a wasteful life? Things just hold us down from becoming the best we can be....we are not measured by the material things we have but rather by what we do in life.
If you're attached to "things" let them go -- measure your worth by how much you can let go and how much you can "give". Life is truly about giving and I don't mean in the material sense. I work at the Department of Veterans Affairs, commonly referred to as the VA. The other day, a man came off the street and was homeless and he asked for me by name. I was surprised because he came looking for a job. He said he heard that I "helped" people and was wondering how much help I would be able to give him. I gave him my "time" and you know what -- time is precious and I think I did my good deed for the day when I spent time with this gentleman. In the end, I helped the man write a resume, showed him how to muddle through all the government forms (what a maze) and then I ran off copies for him to just fill in and apply for various jobs. You would have thought I just opened up the world to him but what I did was give him "Hope" -- so you see that's really what we "give" is "hope" and "encouragement" to our fellow human beings who may be struggling and are less off than we are.
For me - I opt to "stop being attached to things" and "give" "hope" and my time to my fellow human beings. In the end...I will have considered my life to be very successful as a result. In a sense, I have my cross...and for today, I have been a good and faithful servant. How about you? Are you "attached to things?"
Sunday, March 28, 2010
It's No Party -- It's not even a Picnic!
We've just passed the Health Care Bill and while I agree we needed health care reform, I'm not so sure our congressional members went about it the right way. Half of the country is for it while the other half is against it -- we are such divided country yet there is one thing we know for sure in this country...we are slowly becoming the have's and the have nots! Without jobs people can't eat, they can't pay their bills and they can't enjoy a quality of life that affords them a simple stress free environment. Sure -- we don't have to all buy our dream cars, but we do need transportation to get to our jobs and we do need heat in the house and food on the table and when it comes to buying medications for our sick family members -- we need money!
What we have is a country of greedy business people -- loan sharkers who want to capitalize on interest rates when loaning money out to the poor or financing them for a car or any other purchase they deem necessary. We just need our people to have jobs -- men and women given equal opportunity to work for decent wages that will sustain a quality of life that every American so richly deserves. I read an article the other night where Dolly Parton took on one of the Senators from Tennessee -- saying it was just "un-American" to charge 400 percent interest rate at these pay day loan stores! 400% -- are you kidding me! I thought my credit card of 23% was horrible. I nearly fell out on the floor when I read it! Good for you Dolly -- take on the big guy because those senseless bastards in Washington are not listening to us little guys. They will though when every American goes to the Polls and forgets about being a divided country and unites to send them all packing! Republicans and Democrats better start working on industry and finding us jobs or they'll be finding themselves out of their jobs! The Tea Party, Coffee Party, Kool-Aid Party, --they all have it wrong -- it's no party -- it's no picnic out here for those who are struggling. We need to make it difficult for those in office now -- make them squirm and struggle a bit for their money -- they need to help the small businessmen and women create jobs, help industry keep jobs in the United States and work to make our country stronger. The only way to do that is to create more jobs -- not bigger government! We are heading down a very slippery slope because what government gives us -- they can take away!
What we have is a country of greedy business people -- loan sharkers who want to capitalize on interest rates when loaning money out to the poor or financing them for a car or any other purchase they deem necessary. We just need our people to have jobs -- men and women given equal opportunity to work for decent wages that will sustain a quality of life that every American so richly deserves. I read an article the other night where Dolly Parton took on one of the Senators from Tennessee -- saying it was just "un-American" to charge 400 percent interest rate at these pay day loan stores! 400% -- are you kidding me! I thought my credit card of 23% was horrible. I nearly fell out on the floor when I read it! Good for you Dolly -- take on the big guy because those senseless bastards in Washington are not listening to us little guys. They will though when every American goes to the Polls and forgets about being a divided country and unites to send them all packing! Republicans and Democrats better start working on industry and finding us jobs or they'll be finding themselves out of their jobs! The Tea Party, Coffee Party, Kool-Aid Party, --they all have it wrong -- it's no party -- it's no picnic out here for those who are struggling. We need to make it difficult for those in office now -- make them squirm and struggle a bit for their money -- they need to help the small businessmen and women create jobs, help industry keep jobs in the United States and work to make our country stronger. The only way to do that is to create more jobs -- not bigger government! We are heading down a very slippery slope because what government gives us -- they can take away!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Can It Be
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been completely oblivious to the world -- I'm not sure if it is because I purchased a new iphone or because I finally found out that you can teach an "old dog new tricks" after all. I stopped watching the news folks and the super sensation of the media and I feel wonderful, coupled with the fact that I replaced the news with an exercise program. I keep telling people that I have this new found energy and that I'm not certain where it comes from but -- hey, why look a gift horse in the mouth...or however that saying goes.
I'm not so sure people like this new energy level of mine though -- it's almost like they are jealous. Could that be because the rest of the world likes being depressed or is so caught up with their own problems and the sensational news of the day that they can't find time to "love life." I'm not casting stones because God knows, I spent the better part of 27 years being depressed and now all I want to do is "live and love life." I'm no longer waiting for the sky to fall, or hear the next bit of bad news in the morning before I go to work so I can obviously ruin the rest of my day...I want to get up, exercise, eat a wonderful morning breakfast and then watch the sunrise as I drive into Denver.
Can it be -- that depression has taken the world by surprise and so many people are just plain depressed, lacking sleep and actually unhappy? I remember a time when I left the military and first began working on a farm in Medon, Tennessee! All I did was feed the horses and the cattle and I watched over the cats and dogs. I learned alot from the animals...they led a simple life. I fed them -- and they appeared grateful!
Can it be -- we just need to learn to be grateful for what we do have and think less about what we don't have?
Thank you Bobby C -- for reminding me to be grateful for what I have and never stop writing! It is my what feeds my soul! Can it Be!
I'm not so sure people like this new energy level of mine though -- it's almost like they are jealous. Could that be because the rest of the world likes being depressed or is so caught up with their own problems and the sensational news of the day that they can't find time to "love life." I'm not casting stones because God knows, I spent the better part of 27 years being depressed and now all I want to do is "live and love life." I'm no longer waiting for the sky to fall, or hear the next bit of bad news in the morning before I go to work so I can obviously ruin the rest of my day...I want to get up, exercise, eat a wonderful morning breakfast and then watch the sunrise as I drive into Denver.
Can it be -- that depression has taken the world by surprise and so many people are just plain depressed, lacking sleep and actually unhappy? I remember a time when I left the military and first began working on a farm in Medon, Tennessee! All I did was feed the horses and the cattle and I watched over the cats and dogs. I learned alot from the animals...they led a simple life. I fed them -- and they appeared grateful!
Can it be -- we just need to learn to be grateful for what we do have and think less about what we don't have?
Thank you Bobby C -- for reminding me to be grateful for what I have and never stop writing! It is my what feeds my soul! Can it Be!
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