Year after year I have made the same mistake - running from love. I convince myself with every relationship that I enter - it's ok to give my heart to someone - just not all of it. I am going to be sixty in September and I have given my heart to everyone , at least some of it to individuals -- to everyone but the person that counts. The person that matters. For over 40 years I have loved just one person and she knows who she is! My heart can love no other....it bleeds the letters LOVE everyday. I breathe air but I am frozen in time. I can't move beyond my love for you! I have been paralyzed....with memories of your smile, your eyes, your smell and your beautiful voice. We shared one kiss and the warmth of that kiss captured me forever. I don't live in the past...I live in the present evey day....wishing my life would be different! I want my last years to be free of anyone but you....I am far from being delusional....I know what I want....do you?
Truly - With a Heart of Love,
BJ Tierney
5/29/2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Is 30 Minutes Enough?
Is 30 Minutes
Enough?
I've always said, “In order to be healthy, your mind,
body and soul have to be ONE.” 30 minutes of exercise, 30 minutes
of meditation and 30 minutes in therapy! All well and good, but if your
body is wracked with pain and the prescribed meds you take are causing you to
grow by leaps and bounds, how can 30 minutes of exercise be enough? Of
course diet is key...but when stressed, I eat! I don't even feel like
exercising because of my pain. I know, you say, "excuses, excuses,
excuses." The truth is, I just have to do it! But oh...the
pain.
Pain management for those suffering with mental health
issues is a tremendous concern. I don't know about you, but the
older I get the less tolerant I am to pain. That's when I try to breathe,
focus or meditate. Meditation works if you do it every day----helps calm your
soul.
What about the mind though? 30 minutes of
therapy -- is once a month really enough?
It's taken me 10 years to get to this point in my quest
toward a healthy mind and only in the last 3 years have I made any significant
progress after attending an inpatient treatment center in Lyons New
Jersey. It was there that I learned you have to Feel, Deal and Heal. I meditated, I
walked with the help of a walker and tried to eat well...but I was in long term
therapy and that's the difference. It's my personal belief that 30
minutes of therapy once a month is not enough for those who have serious mental
health issues. You realize that when it takes 10 minutes to take off and
put on your coat in the therapist's office. We all know there is limited access
for every veteran for Mental Health Care and that time is precious. The
Mental Health staff are stressed themselves to be able to meet the demand and
case load. You can see it in their faces-- I'm sure they too, need help
from the case load.
While I was very excited and proud that the VA hired over 1600 Mental Health Professionals to expand health care and provide outreach efforts a year ago to show good faith commitment to the health and well-being of the men and women who have served our Nation – we must do all we can to continue to increase their access to care. So what's the answer? If you extend the time to one hour, less veterans will be seen with our existing staff.
The answer is simple: Continue to hire more mental
health care staff to meet the demands. Shouldn't we have learned this
from Vietnam? More important, let's afford every veteran with serious
mental health issues the opportunity to attend inpatient treatment, open more
access to mental health and make sure women veterans get equal access. I
had to travel clear across the country to get my extended inpatient care,
even though the Denver VA is a large facility. There was no PTSD program
for women veterans in Denver either. That's an issue we must address as
well -- access to treatment near our homes. Let's not make sick veterans travel
clear across country to get their care. Congress must fully fund these
programs and deal with mental health issues regarding all our veterans - be
they active duty, reserve, retired, etc.
Mental Health issues are a community crisis now and it
will take a Village of mental health professionals to ensure adequate care.
Every American should be afforded mental health care. To deny access is
to deny a basic human right.
Feel, Deal and Heal - is 30 minutes enough? I don't think so!
Bonnie Tierney
Author, Poet, Disabled Veteran
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
The Mind Game - Nobody Ever Wins
Just before I left work today, April 2, 2014, I heard about another shooting at Fort Hood and it took me completely by surprise. The last shooting angered me beyond belief because it involved a military officer who happened to be a psychiatrist and a terrorist as well. Why would that shooting affect me so deeply?
Nearly 31 years ago, while I was a young Lieutenant on active duty with the United States Air Force and serving in Frankfurt, Germany, I was one of the officers in charge of the identification and processing of the 241 Marines, saliors and soldiers that were killed while sleeping in the Marine Barracks in Beirut, Lebanon on October 23, 1983. I will never forget my involvement and what I witnessed in the tents in order to send our troops home with honor and dignity. My life was changed forever.
I wrote a book, http://www.outskirtspress.com/LockedInTime about my experiences after I left the military as a Major with prior enlisted experience, just one year short of a full military retirement because unknowingly I had PTSD. I was deep in depression when I wrote my book, had suicidal thoughts but I wanted to capture the craziness I was going through for the Mental Health community. Getting into the head of a soldier is like playing "The Mind Game." Simply -- the troops won't let you in for the most part because they are afraid. Afraid to tell you that they are not only suicidal but homicidal as well. I know -- because I played "The Mind Game" too.
This shooting at Fort Hood had to be different - or was it? Five years have passed since the last Fort Hood shooting and that's five more years of therapy for me. I'm in a better place now because of the treatment I've received from the Department of Veterans Affairs mental health team and so I process this information differently.
Today, I'm extremely concerned about the welfare of all our troops, particularly those who have served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. They play "The Mind Game" well while on active duty. Unfortunately, many still feel asking for help would be a detriment to their active duty careers and so they hide their concerns and issues, blow up at their spouses when no one is around, take it out on their kids or yell at their neighbors. Most have short fuses and are angered easily. Let's not forget about road rage -- let's tailgate and piss off the driver who cuts us off, maybe even go as so far to follow them home. In my case, several years ago, I used my car as a "weapon" to pin some teenagers up against a snow bank when they threw snowballs at my car. I chased them down and threatened to shoot them the next time I caught them throwing snowballs at cars! Was my reaction reasonable? Of course not -- and it's this type of behavior that will get me killed.
The shooter is dead. No doubt it had to end that way for the soldier after the shooting spree because in his mind -- there was no way out. We think there is no way out -- but there is! I wished I would have contacted the Department of Veterans Affairs when I was on active duty and in my last year before retirement. I couldn't bring myself to ask for help -- so I gave up 19 years on active duty and left the military. It took me a very long time to ask for help but I'm alive today because I did.
I wonder if today's shooter was suffering from PTSD, had mental health issues and was equally as reluctant to ask for help. I wonder so many things now. Even if he didn't suffer from PTSD, anyone who resorts to gun violence and taking the lives of innocent people, are crying for help.
One final thought. Today's troops are fighting a war in urban development. It's not like the guys who fought in Vietnam in the jungle. Going through a simple door can be an upsetting event for someone who has experienced trauma -- driving down the highway can trigger events too. Don't play "The Mind Game" -- nobody ever wins.
With a Heart of Love
Bonnie J. Tierney
Nearly 31 years ago, while I was a young Lieutenant on active duty with the United States Air Force and serving in Frankfurt, Germany, I was one of the officers in charge of the identification and processing of the 241 Marines, saliors and soldiers that were killed while sleeping in the Marine Barracks in Beirut, Lebanon on October 23, 1983. I will never forget my involvement and what I witnessed in the tents in order to send our troops home with honor and dignity. My life was changed forever.
I wrote a book, http://www.outskirtspress.com/LockedInTime about my experiences after I left the military as a Major with prior enlisted experience, just one year short of a full military retirement because unknowingly I had PTSD. I was deep in depression when I wrote my book, had suicidal thoughts but I wanted to capture the craziness I was going through for the Mental Health community. Getting into the head of a soldier is like playing "The Mind Game." Simply -- the troops won't let you in for the most part because they are afraid. Afraid to tell you that they are not only suicidal but homicidal as well. I know -- because I played "The Mind Game" too.
This shooting at Fort Hood had to be different - or was it? Five years have passed since the last Fort Hood shooting and that's five more years of therapy for me. I'm in a better place now because of the treatment I've received from the Department of Veterans Affairs mental health team and so I process this information differently.
Today, I'm extremely concerned about the welfare of all our troops, particularly those who have served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. They play "The Mind Game" well while on active duty. Unfortunately, many still feel asking for help would be a detriment to their active duty careers and so they hide their concerns and issues, blow up at their spouses when no one is around, take it out on their kids or yell at their neighbors. Most have short fuses and are angered easily. Let's not forget about road rage -- let's tailgate and piss off the driver who cuts us off, maybe even go as so far to follow them home. In my case, several years ago, I used my car as a "weapon" to pin some teenagers up against a snow bank when they threw snowballs at my car. I chased them down and threatened to shoot them the next time I caught them throwing snowballs at cars! Was my reaction reasonable? Of course not -- and it's this type of behavior that will get me killed.
The shooter is dead. No doubt it had to end that way for the soldier after the shooting spree because in his mind -- there was no way out. We think there is no way out -- but there is! I wished I would have contacted the Department of Veterans Affairs when I was on active duty and in my last year before retirement. I couldn't bring myself to ask for help -- so I gave up 19 years on active duty and left the military. It took me a very long time to ask for help but I'm alive today because I did.
I wonder if today's shooter was suffering from PTSD, had mental health issues and was equally as reluctant to ask for help. I wonder so many things now. Even if he didn't suffer from PTSD, anyone who resorts to gun violence and taking the lives of innocent people, are crying for help.
One final thought. Today's troops are fighting a war in urban development. It's not like the guys who fought in Vietnam in the jungle. Going through a simple door can be an upsetting event for someone who has experienced trauma -- driving down the highway can trigger events too. Don't play "The Mind Game" -- nobody ever wins.
With a Heart of Love
Bonnie J. Tierney
Friday, November 25, 2011
Another Book On the Horizon
It's Friday - Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. I've been thinking long and hard about writing again -- and I finally began putting pen to paper. Well, fingers to keyboard more like it. I'm going to write another book and this time, I'm healthy. I know Locked in Time - I Still Remember and Always Will upset many of the Beirut Bombing victim's families because no doubt they wanted me to write about what happened in the weeks following the tragic bombing of the Marine Barracks in Beirut on October 23, 1983. The simple truth is -- day after day we did the same thing and it wasn't a very pretty sight. I wrote what I could to the best of my ability and I did it for me -- because it was a self-help book. Many who pick up my book think that it will be mostly about the bombing and it was not. While I will never forget what happened, I have to say, the book was more about my personal life experiences and much of the mental anguish I was suffering as a result. Today, after treatment (thankfully) from the Department of Veterans Affairs in Lyon's New Jersey at the military Women's Treatment Unit (WTU), I gained some valuable tools to help me cope with life's tragedies and now, I just want to write about it. I want to write about mental illness and how devastating it can be to family members and I want to tell the story of how "angels continue to walk" with me everyday to help me spread the word that the real "GRACE" comes from God -- whoever He or She may be! Be on the look out for more writings from the "Blue Eyed Blogger."
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Attached to Things
Why is it as Americans we are so "attached to things"? Our life would be so much simplier if we just managed to pair down and be satisfied with a roof over our head, good health and a little food on the table. I'm reminded today after a conversation I had with a woman who remembered me when I lived in the Philippines...that you don't have to be rich to have a good heart -- in fact, most people who are very poor have very big hearts.
What matters in life are not the things that we have but rather our health. As I drag around "Jordan" my oxgen tank, here in the Denver Mile High City, I realize that I have always thought the richest people in the world are those with good health. I'm not religious but I do remember that Christ said, "take up your cross and follow me" and somehow, we as Americans are not really doing that at all because we are attached to "our things." Which one of us can be like Mother Theresa? Can we sell all that we have and unburden our souls with the weight of a wasteful life? Things just hold us down from becoming the best we can be....we are not measured by the material things we have but rather by what we do in life.
If you're attached to "things" let them go -- measure your worth by how much you can let go and how much you can "give". Life is truly about giving and I don't mean in the material sense. I work at the Department of Veterans Affairs, commonly referred to as the VA. The other day, a man came off the street and was homeless and he asked for me by name. I was surprised because he came looking for a job. He said he heard that I "helped" people and was wondering how much help I would be able to give him. I gave him my "time" and you know what -- time is precious and I think I did my good deed for the day when I spent time with this gentleman. In the end, I helped the man write a resume, showed him how to muddle through all the government forms (what a maze) and then I ran off copies for him to just fill in and apply for various jobs. You would have thought I just opened up the world to him but what I did was give him "Hope" -- so you see that's really what we "give" is "hope" and "encouragement" to our fellow human beings who may be struggling and are less off than we are.
For me - I opt to "stop being attached to things" and "give" "hope" and my time to my fellow human beings. In the end...I will have considered my life to be very successful as a result. In a sense, I have my cross...and for today, I have been a good and faithful servant. How about you? Are you "attached to things?"
What matters in life are not the things that we have but rather our health. As I drag around "Jordan" my oxgen tank, here in the Denver Mile High City, I realize that I have always thought the richest people in the world are those with good health. I'm not religious but I do remember that Christ said, "take up your cross and follow me" and somehow, we as Americans are not really doing that at all because we are attached to "our things." Which one of us can be like Mother Theresa? Can we sell all that we have and unburden our souls with the weight of a wasteful life? Things just hold us down from becoming the best we can be....we are not measured by the material things we have but rather by what we do in life.
If you're attached to "things" let them go -- measure your worth by how much you can let go and how much you can "give". Life is truly about giving and I don't mean in the material sense. I work at the Department of Veterans Affairs, commonly referred to as the VA. The other day, a man came off the street and was homeless and he asked for me by name. I was surprised because he came looking for a job. He said he heard that I "helped" people and was wondering how much help I would be able to give him. I gave him my "time" and you know what -- time is precious and I think I did my good deed for the day when I spent time with this gentleman. In the end, I helped the man write a resume, showed him how to muddle through all the government forms (what a maze) and then I ran off copies for him to just fill in and apply for various jobs. You would have thought I just opened up the world to him but what I did was give him "Hope" -- so you see that's really what we "give" is "hope" and "encouragement" to our fellow human beings who may be struggling and are less off than we are.
For me - I opt to "stop being attached to things" and "give" "hope" and my time to my fellow human beings. In the end...I will have considered my life to be very successful as a result. In a sense, I have my cross...and for today, I have been a good and faithful servant. How about you? Are you "attached to things?"
Sunday, March 28, 2010
It's No Party -- It's not even a Picnic!
We've just passed the Health Care Bill and while I agree we needed health care reform, I'm not so sure our congressional members went about it the right way. Half of the country is for it while the other half is against it -- we are such divided country yet there is one thing we know for sure in this country...we are slowly becoming the have's and the have nots! Without jobs people can't eat, they can't pay their bills and they can't enjoy a quality of life that affords them a simple stress free environment. Sure -- we don't have to all buy our dream cars, but we do need transportation to get to our jobs and we do need heat in the house and food on the table and when it comes to buying medications for our sick family members -- we need money!
What we have is a country of greedy business people -- loan sharkers who want to capitalize on interest rates when loaning money out to the poor or financing them for a car or any other purchase they deem necessary. We just need our people to have jobs -- men and women given equal opportunity to work for decent wages that will sustain a quality of life that every American so richly deserves. I read an article the other night where Dolly Parton took on one of the Senators from Tennessee -- saying it was just "un-American" to charge 400 percent interest rate at these pay day loan stores! 400% -- are you kidding me! I thought my credit card of 23% was horrible. I nearly fell out on the floor when I read it! Good for you Dolly -- take on the big guy because those senseless bastards in Washington are not listening to us little guys. They will though when every American goes to the Polls and forgets about being a divided country and unites to send them all packing! Republicans and Democrats better start working on industry and finding us jobs or they'll be finding themselves out of their jobs! The Tea Party, Coffee Party, Kool-Aid Party, --they all have it wrong -- it's no party -- it's no picnic out here for those who are struggling. We need to make it difficult for those in office now -- make them squirm and struggle a bit for their money -- they need to help the small businessmen and women create jobs, help industry keep jobs in the United States and work to make our country stronger. The only way to do that is to create more jobs -- not bigger government! We are heading down a very slippery slope because what government gives us -- they can take away!
What we have is a country of greedy business people -- loan sharkers who want to capitalize on interest rates when loaning money out to the poor or financing them for a car or any other purchase they deem necessary. We just need our people to have jobs -- men and women given equal opportunity to work for decent wages that will sustain a quality of life that every American so richly deserves. I read an article the other night where Dolly Parton took on one of the Senators from Tennessee -- saying it was just "un-American" to charge 400 percent interest rate at these pay day loan stores! 400% -- are you kidding me! I thought my credit card of 23% was horrible. I nearly fell out on the floor when I read it! Good for you Dolly -- take on the big guy because those senseless bastards in Washington are not listening to us little guys. They will though when every American goes to the Polls and forgets about being a divided country and unites to send them all packing! Republicans and Democrats better start working on industry and finding us jobs or they'll be finding themselves out of their jobs! The Tea Party, Coffee Party, Kool-Aid Party, --they all have it wrong -- it's no party -- it's no picnic out here for those who are struggling. We need to make it difficult for those in office now -- make them squirm and struggle a bit for their money -- they need to help the small businessmen and women create jobs, help industry keep jobs in the United States and work to make our country stronger. The only way to do that is to create more jobs -- not bigger government! We are heading down a very slippery slope because what government gives us -- they can take away!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Can It Be
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been completely oblivious to the world -- I'm not sure if it is because I purchased a new iphone or because I finally found out that you can teach an "old dog new tricks" after all. I stopped watching the news folks and the super sensation of the media and I feel wonderful, coupled with the fact that I replaced the news with an exercise program. I keep telling people that I have this new found energy and that I'm not certain where it comes from but -- hey, why look a gift horse in the mouth...or however that saying goes.
I'm not so sure people like this new energy level of mine though -- it's almost like they are jealous. Could that be because the rest of the world likes being depressed or is so caught up with their own problems and the sensational news of the day that they can't find time to "love life." I'm not casting stones because God knows, I spent the better part of 27 years being depressed and now all I want to do is "live and love life." I'm no longer waiting for the sky to fall, or hear the next bit of bad news in the morning before I go to work so I can obviously ruin the rest of my day...I want to get up, exercise, eat a wonderful morning breakfast and then watch the sunrise as I drive into Denver.
Can it be -- that depression has taken the world by surprise and so many people are just plain depressed, lacking sleep and actually unhappy? I remember a time when I left the military and first began working on a farm in Medon, Tennessee! All I did was feed the horses and the cattle and I watched over the cats and dogs. I learned alot from the animals...they led a simple life. I fed them -- and they appeared grateful!
Can it be -- we just need to learn to be grateful for what we do have and think less about what we don't have?
Thank you Bobby C -- for reminding me to be grateful for what I have and never stop writing! It is my what feeds my soul! Can it Be!
I'm not so sure people like this new energy level of mine though -- it's almost like they are jealous. Could that be because the rest of the world likes being depressed or is so caught up with their own problems and the sensational news of the day that they can't find time to "love life." I'm not casting stones because God knows, I spent the better part of 27 years being depressed and now all I want to do is "live and love life." I'm no longer waiting for the sky to fall, or hear the next bit of bad news in the morning before I go to work so I can obviously ruin the rest of my day...I want to get up, exercise, eat a wonderful morning breakfast and then watch the sunrise as I drive into Denver.
Can it be -- that depression has taken the world by surprise and so many people are just plain depressed, lacking sleep and actually unhappy? I remember a time when I left the military and first began working on a farm in Medon, Tennessee! All I did was feed the horses and the cattle and I watched over the cats and dogs. I learned alot from the animals...they led a simple life. I fed them -- and they appeared grateful!
Can it be -- we just need to learn to be grateful for what we do have and think less about what we don't have?
Thank you Bobby C -- for reminding me to be grateful for what I have and never stop writing! It is my what feeds my soul! Can it Be!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Another Year
Another Year
Listening to music of years past
My heart beats to a different drum
I'm happy and have found my way through life's maze
It wasn't always easy that's for sure
I stumbled and picked myself up
Nothing seemed more difficult and often I felt alone
Today, I feel wonderful and as the New Year approaches
I have a love that has been with me from the beginnng of time
At least my time - a new beginning where we made it through the storm
Together...
The sky is so beautiful today, bright blue and although my love is not here with me
She knows that I am with her in every way. We are looking at the same mountains
We are sharing the same moon and we are breathing in the same air
But most of all -- we share life's miracles and understand that God walked with us on this journey in order to bring us to where we are today.
There will be many more years, God willing that we will share
Together...
I love you my dear, "Ryan"
With a 'Heart of Love'
Bonnie Tierney
December 26, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
As I Dine on My Own Words...
It takes great courage to stand up and be counted, especially against such a tyrant as Ahmadinejad. The young people of Iran are to be commended for their strength and determination and I suppose once again, I must eat my own words! I've doing that alot lately -- eating my own words. They don't taste well these days, especially when spoken with such anger. It's not like I've just become angry about him -- I mean, it's only been 26 years and still counting. So when I stated that Iran should have been blown off the face of the earth 26 years ago, well -- I'd like to apologize to the people of Iran for my comments. Your leader is evil and many of those who follow him are evil but to those of you who recognize him as an evil man and one who should be overthrown, I commend you. You have much work to do for yourselves, your people and your country.
Peace around the world is possible and your efforts in rising up against your leaders will move our world one step closer to such a reality. As I dine on my own "words" I will remember you in my prayers as you show the world your courage to defend your right to a true democracy --it takes great courage to stand up and be counted. Somehow in your show of strength and courage to rebel against your leaders, you have removed the very sword from my own "heart."
Peace around the world is possible and your efforts in rising up against your leaders will move our world one step closer to such a reality. As I dine on my own "words" I will remember you in my prayers as you show the world your courage to defend your right to a true democracy --it takes great courage to stand up and be counted. Somehow in your show of strength and courage to rebel against your leaders, you have removed the very sword from my own "heart."
Sunday, November 15, 2009
A Nation of Cowards To Hold Trial In New York
How ironic that the man who coined the phrase and called all Americans, "A Nation of Cowards" wants to hold the terrorist trials in New York City -- the very city where 3000 people lost their lives. Eric Holder - what hole did you crawl out of or better yet, what country do you hold allegiance too?
Let's spend more tax payer dollars as we begin the circus trial - and oh yes, let's make sure that the "MSK" the so called master mind behind the terrorist attacks, has a jury of his Muslim extremist peers. Then - if the "glove doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
Mr. Holder - you lumped me into the Nation of Cowards, but I am someone who served on active duty with the United States Air Force for 19 years. As one of those so called cowards, I would much rather have a Military Tribunal -- just go to GITMO, hold the trial and then hang all those terrorists. Wasn't this an act of war what they did? Didn't we go to war over it? Haven't we spent enough money on GITMO -- why must we spend more tax payer dollars in Illinois and New York, just to kill them? Lord have mercy -- when we went to war with Japan, we just dropped the big one on them -- killed many innocent people. Today - we are friends and our President bows to them. The difference between Japan of yesterday and terrorists of today is not much -- both wanted to kill Americans. www.outskirtspress.com/LockedInTime
With a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author and Veteran
Let's spend more tax payer dollars as we begin the circus trial - and oh yes, let's make sure that the "MSK" the so called master mind behind the terrorist attacks, has a jury of his Muslim extremist peers. Then - if the "glove doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
Mr. Holder - you lumped me into the Nation of Cowards, but I am someone who served on active duty with the United States Air Force for 19 years. As one of those so called cowards, I would much rather have a Military Tribunal -- just go to GITMO, hold the trial and then hang all those terrorists. Wasn't this an act of war what they did? Didn't we go to war over it? Haven't we spent enough money on GITMO -- why must we spend more tax payer dollars in Illinois and New York, just to kill them? Lord have mercy -- when we went to war with Japan, we just dropped the big one on them -- killed many innocent people. Today - we are friends and our President bows to them. The difference between Japan of yesterday and terrorists of today is not much -- both wanted to kill Americans. www.outskirtspress.com/LockedInTime
With a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author and Veteran
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
What I Would Have Said to Larry King
It's Veterans Day again, November 11, 2009, and I'm still trying to process in my mind the 13 people who were killed at Fort Hood this past week by an Army Major who just happened to be Muslim, let alone be a Psychiatrist who treats our men and women in uniform. Why must everyone be so damn politically correct?
I was in my office at the Department of Veterans Affairs and just returned from a meeting with the Director when my blackberry started getting newsfeeds one after another about the shootings. (I left my bb in my coat at the office but I did hear the director's bb going off.) I think I began getting the information just after 2:45 p.m. MST. I could hardly believe what I was reading. There were shootings on base and one after another was being shot down...reported killings at the PX, then at a processing center. Information was murkey at best coming in from all sources. Then sirens going off in base housing telling people to remain inside. There were reports of 3 snipers on base killing people. It was exhausting not being able to listen actively to the news, but rather get the information off my blackberry. Then the news came that the shooter, an Army Major had been killed and two others had been taken into custody. It was nearing 4:00 p.m. and time to leave for the day. The final news I received from my friend, indicated that the Army Major was Muslim and that he was an Army psychiastrist.
At that point, I didn't care whether he was John Smith or Mike Anderson -- he was insane because he was a trusted officer taking the lives of our soldiers. I've never been politically correct and I have always advocated since working for the Department of Homeland Security in a previous position that we "NEED to PROFILE" because most of the terrorists today are Muslims. I remember calling my girlfriend after I left work, indicating that the SOB needed to be hung from the nearest telephone pole upside down, in full Army dress, and shot again by all of the victim's family members. I also said he didn't deserve to be buried in the United States. In fact, my emotions got the best of me and I just indicated that after we "killed him again" we needed to cut him up in milllions of pieces and toss his remains all over the middle east.
On my way home, I got a call from one of the producers on CNN Lou Dobbs Tonight. At the time, it was an unknown number calling from New York so I didn't answer the phone. I let it go to voice mail, but when I listened, the producer wanted to interview me about the shootings at Fort Hood. As many of you know, I wrote "Locked In Time - I Still Remember and Always Will" www.outskirtspress.com/LockedInTime. At some point, I'm hoping that they interview me about the book and my PTSD as a result of being one of the officers involved in the identification and processing of the soldiers that were killed in the terrorist bombing of the Marine Barracks in Beirut on October 23, 1983. I'm not a professional psychologist so I wasn't exactly sure what they wanted to ask me. In any event, I called back and told "Emily B" (I won't use her last name, "You might not want to talk to me right now -- I'm trying to process what happened and to be truthful, I'll tell you what I think: That Army Major needs to be hung upside down by his boots and killed again." You have to understand, a military person with PTSD just heard that some Army Major shot and killed troops at Fort Hood while they were in a Military processing center getting ready to deploy. Emily asked me how far I was from Denver to their nearest television studio. I said about 20 minutes. Long story short, I started to go back toward Denver when I got the call back saying they had someone whom they were going to interview. I turned my car around, and started heading back to my home and about 20 minutes later, I receive a call from one of Larry King's producers indicating they would like to interview me. I absolutely love CNN (both Larry and Lou) because each of them tell it like is but being on a TV set with Larry King made it very real. Long story short - I got caught in traffic, made it to the studios just short of the showtime.
What would I have told Larry King: Who can make sense out this killing? Is it possible that the Psychiatrist who just happens to be Muslim was depressed or was he a terrorist. Of course he is a terrorist -- make no mistake about it. He entered a MPC (Military Processing Center) and killed innocent soldiers and to me - that makes him a terrorist. The fact, now later disclosed that the FBI had him under investigation tells me that they were wanting to "follow him" for some time to determine if he had any ties to Alqueda or other Muslim extremists. The government should be held accountable to the fullest for allowing this "ARMY MAJOR" to continue. From a PTSD perspective, I would have never allowed the military to assign that bastard to me in the first place -knowing how I feel about those who killed the 241 soldiers in Beirut. It's kind of like a female who is raped and asks for a female police officer to interview her instead of a male! Is it not her right to request a female based on sensitivity reasons. Maybe this Army Major should not be counselling our military soldiers about PTSD and the fact that the FBI was watching him should have been a red flag to the Army officers in command. The bottom line: I would have told Larry King that our country needs to stop being politically correct and take things at face value. People don't want to jump to conclusions but those soldiers are dead because the Army tried to be "Politically Correct" with an Army Major who happened to be a poor performer and Muslim. They gave him the benefit of the doubt and 13 people are dead.
Always - With a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author and Veteran
I was in my office at the Department of Veterans Affairs and just returned from a meeting with the Director when my blackberry started getting newsfeeds one after another about the shootings. (I left my bb in my coat at the office but I did hear the director's bb going off.) I think I began getting the information just after 2:45 p.m. MST. I could hardly believe what I was reading. There were shootings on base and one after another was being shot down...reported killings at the PX, then at a processing center. Information was murkey at best coming in from all sources. Then sirens going off in base housing telling people to remain inside. There were reports of 3 snipers on base killing people. It was exhausting not being able to listen actively to the news, but rather get the information off my blackberry. Then the news came that the shooter, an Army Major had been killed and two others had been taken into custody. It was nearing 4:00 p.m. and time to leave for the day. The final news I received from my friend, indicated that the Army Major was Muslim and that he was an Army psychiastrist.
At that point, I didn't care whether he was John Smith or Mike Anderson -- he was insane because he was a trusted officer taking the lives of our soldiers. I've never been politically correct and I have always advocated since working for the Department of Homeland Security in a previous position that we "NEED to PROFILE" because most of the terrorists today are Muslims. I remember calling my girlfriend after I left work, indicating that the SOB needed to be hung from the nearest telephone pole upside down, in full Army dress, and shot again by all of the victim's family members. I also said he didn't deserve to be buried in the United States. In fact, my emotions got the best of me and I just indicated that after we "killed him again" we needed to cut him up in milllions of pieces and toss his remains all over the middle east.
On my way home, I got a call from one of the producers on CNN Lou Dobbs Tonight. At the time, it was an unknown number calling from New York so I didn't answer the phone. I let it go to voice mail, but when I listened, the producer wanted to interview me about the shootings at Fort Hood. As many of you know, I wrote "Locked In Time - I Still Remember and Always Will" www.outskirtspress.com/LockedInTime. At some point, I'm hoping that they interview me about the book and my PTSD as a result of being one of the officers involved in the identification and processing of the soldiers that were killed in the terrorist bombing of the Marine Barracks in Beirut on October 23, 1983. I'm not a professional psychologist so I wasn't exactly sure what they wanted to ask me. In any event, I called back and told "Emily B" (I won't use her last name, "You might not want to talk to me right now -- I'm trying to process what happened and to be truthful, I'll tell you what I think: That Army Major needs to be hung upside down by his boots and killed again." You have to understand, a military person with PTSD just heard that some Army Major shot and killed troops at Fort Hood while they were in a Military processing center getting ready to deploy. Emily asked me how far I was from Denver to their nearest television studio. I said about 20 minutes. Long story short, I started to go back toward Denver when I got the call back saying they had someone whom they were going to interview. I turned my car around, and started heading back to my home and about 20 minutes later, I receive a call from one of Larry King's producers indicating they would like to interview me. I absolutely love CNN (both Larry and Lou) because each of them tell it like is but being on a TV set with Larry King made it very real. Long story short - I got caught in traffic, made it to the studios just short of the showtime.
What would I have told Larry King: Who can make sense out this killing? Is it possible that the Psychiatrist who just happens to be Muslim was depressed or was he a terrorist. Of course he is a terrorist -- make no mistake about it. He entered a MPC (Military Processing Center) and killed innocent soldiers and to me - that makes him a terrorist. The fact, now later disclosed that the FBI had him under investigation tells me that they were wanting to "follow him" for some time to determine if he had any ties to Alqueda or other Muslim extremists. The government should be held accountable to the fullest for allowing this "ARMY MAJOR" to continue. From a PTSD perspective, I would have never allowed the military to assign that bastard to me in the first place -knowing how I feel about those who killed the 241 soldiers in Beirut. It's kind of like a female who is raped and asks for a female police officer to interview her instead of a male! Is it not her right to request a female based on sensitivity reasons. Maybe this Army Major should not be counselling our military soldiers about PTSD and the fact that the FBI was watching him should have been a red flag to the Army officers in command. The bottom line: I would have told Larry King that our country needs to stop being politically correct and take things at face value. People don't want to jump to conclusions but those soldiers are dead because the Army tried to be "Politically Correct" with an Army Major who happened to be a poor performer and Muslim. They gave him the benefit of the doubt and 13 people are dead.
Always - With a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author and Veteran
Saturday, August 8, 2009
We Live In a Crazy World
Responding to an article in Huffington Post:
To even suggest that Sarah Palin has "anything" in common with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sickens my stomach! She was not part of kiling 241 soldiers, sailors and marines during the bombing of the Marine Barracks in Beirut on October 23, 1983 -- but he was! He is nothing but a tyrant to be spit upon. He is pure evil and I would love nothing more than to be put in a room with him with a pair of plyers in hand so that I could slowly rip off every fingernail and toenail from his worthless body.Those of you smug people in Washington and around the country who continue to berate Sarah Palin -- remember one thing while you do it...she one of "us" -- the so called "little people" of America who are rising up -- willing and ready to vote all of YOU...out of office (regardless of political affiliation). While I refer to myself as "AirForce1" I am also known as "Bonnie - The Blue-Eyed Blogger" and most especially like to sign my posts, with my real name -- because like Sarah Palin, I own my words.
With a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author & Veteran
To even suggest that Sarah Palin has "anything" in common with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sickens my stomach! She was not part of kiling 241 soldiers, sailors and marines during the bombing of the Marine Barracks in Beirut on October 23, 1983 -- but he was! He is nothing but a tyrant to be spit upon. He is pure evil and I would love nothing more than to be put in a room with him with a pair of plyers in hand so that I could slowly rip off every fingernail and toenail from his worthless body.Those of you smug people in Washington and around the country who continue to berate Sarah Palin -- remember one thing while you do it...she one of "us" -- the so called "little people" of America who are rising up -- willing and ready to vote all of YOU...out of office (regardless of political affiliation). While I refer to myself as "AirForce1" I am also known as "Bonnie - The Blue-Eyed Blogger" and most especially like to sign my posts, with my real name -- because like Sarah Palin, I own my words.
With a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author & Veteran
Friday, July 3, 2009
NEVERLAND...A Place The World Will Come to Know
The world mourns the loss of Michael Jackson and he will forever be remembered as one of the greatest entertainers the world has ever come to know...but did we really know Michael Jackson? We knew his music, his good works and his love for humanity, but did we know Michael Jackson?
God gives some of us gifts -- the ability to write, the gift to lift people up, to encourage, to sing, to play musical instruments...and then there are those of us who have the ability to "see into" the soul of another human being.
On Tuesday, the world will come together as "one" when we pay our respects to this great ledgend, this beautiful butterfly who touched the lives and souls of so many people around the globe...finally, our "great butterfly" who danced on stage, who moon-walked his way into people's hearts, who sang about the "man in the mirror" will see his dream fulfilled...when the world stands still and steps aside to welcome him into "NEVERLAND" and the streets are paved in gold...and those of us who were so blessed to know him -- to know his soul -- can rest with him. He came into this world to serve and he served well!
Always with a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author & Veteran
God gives some of us gifts -- the ability to write, the gift to lift people up, to encourage, to sing, to play musical instruments...and then there are those of us who have the ability to "see into" the soul of another human being.
On Tuesday, the world will come together as "one" when we pay our respects to this great ledgend, this beautiful butterfly who touched the lives and souls of so many people around the globe...finally, our "great butterfly" who danced on stage, who moon-walked his way into people's hearts, who sang about the "man in the mirror" will see his dream fulfilled...when the world stands still and steps aside to welcome him into "NEVERLAND" and the streets are paved in gold...and those of us who were so blessed to know him -- to know his soul -- can rest with him. He came into this world to serve and he served well!
Always with a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author & Veteran
Friday, April 24, 2009
Your Wake Up Call Bonnie
You never know how much you want to live until you die! Five weeks ago I had major surgery at the VA hospital in Denver and while everything went well in surgery, apparently they lost me in the recovery room! I remember talking to the nurse after surgery and the next thing I know the nurse is crying next to me at my bedside as I opened my eyes. Apparently, I had low tolerance to the pain medication administered to me and I stopped breathing. She said, "we lost you -- you turned as purple as my uniform." It was obvious she was new to her profession by her reaction but I was elated non the less to be alive. For a moment, I remembered how I had often contemplated suicide over the last 25 years because of my PTSD from my military experiences with the bombing of the Beirut Marine barracks on October 23, 1983. It wasn't until she said I stopped breathing that I realized just how much I wanted to live!
Nothing in life is worth taking your life -- not money, not love, not family, not depression, not bullying and certainly not from our military experiences. I had to die in order to value life, value my health. I suppose God would say -- "This is your Wake Up Call Bonnie" I heard him loud and clear.
I'm thankful to the doctors at the VA who brought me back and I'm thankful for the life I have experienced -- both the good and the bad. For the last year, I have been doing extremely well but I know however many days, weeks, months and years that I am blessed with -- I will value them by "making a difference everyday" in the lives I touch everyday. Whether it is a brief encounter with a stranger, or talking with family and friends -- I will remember that I stopped breathing and now have a second chance at life.
I told my therapist a month ago that I spent the last 25 years "Locked in Time" -- stuck in the past and allowed the tragic bombing of the Marine Barracks that killed 241 soldiers to greatly effect my life nearly every day -- so much that many times I had contemplated suicide. I lost so much time because of my PTSD. I can no longer be held captive to my expereinces, to the memories that haunted me so long. While I will NEVER forget what happened to those soldiers and yes, while I'm angry that even the "Simpsons" rate a postage stamp fromt he US Postal Service and our soldiers who died so senselessly can't even get that honor -- I will use what precious time I have on this earth to live...Lord knows I've sacrificed much for my country...now it's time for me to experience the beauty of our earth and truly live life to its fullest.
With a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author & Veteran
Nothing in life is worth taking your life -- not money, not love, not family, not depression, not bullying and certainly not from our military experiences. I had to die in order to value life, value my health. I suppose God would say -- "This is your Wake Up Call Bonnie" I heard him loud and clear.
I'm thankful to the doctors at the VA who brought me back and I'm thankful for the life I have experienced -- both the good and the bad. For the last year, I have been doing extremely well but I know however many days, weeks, months and years that I am blessed with -- I will value them by "making a difference everyday" in the lives I touch everyday. Whether it is a brief encounter with a stranger, or talking with family and friends -- I will remember that I stopped breathing and now have a second chance at life.
I told my therapist a month ago that I spent the last 25 years "Locked in Time" -- stuck in the past and allowed the tragic bombing of the Marine Barracks that killed 241 soldiers to greatly effect my life nearly every day -- so much that many times I had contemplated suicide. I lost so much time because of my PTSD. I can no longer be held captive to my expereinces, to the memories that haunted me so long. While I will NEVER forget what happened to those soldiers and yes, while I'm angry that even the "Simpsons" rate a postage stamp fromt he US Postal Service and our soldiers who died so senselessly can't even get that honor -- I will use what precious time I have on this earth to live...Lord knows I've sacrificed much for my country...now it's time for me to experience the beauty of our earth and truly live life to its fullest.
With a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author & Veteran
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Replace Toilet Paper With the Stimulus Package
President Obama came to Denver to sign the stimulus package yesterday, but if the truth be known, he could have taken those 1,000 sheets of paper and put them on Air Force 1 to use as toilet paper as far as I am concerned. I can't believe I've remained silent on the way our government is spending our tax dollars. Greed in America is really alive and I trust few people in government at this point. President Obama talks of "saving or creating" 3M jobs...is it saving or is it creating? I'm confused because 800B would give hundreds of thousands more jobs than just 3M people. Help me understand the law of this land. Our banks are getting bailouts and loan sharking at the same time by charging interest rates as high as 29% for many people. How the hell are people going to pay their bills off with interest rates that high? I'm not blaming President Obama for trying to fix the mess that George Bush and the republicans created, but let's face it, corporate America is greedy and while Eric Holder had the nerve to call us a "Nation of Cowards" I believe we are "too trusting." I hope every military member on active duty invites Eric Holder to the front lines in Iraq and Afghanistan -- let's see who would be the coward! Put your "Trust not in our government of fools -- nor the "mighty dollar" but rather trust yourselves and keep a close watch on the people who claim to care and don't." Our politicians, republicans and democrats have let us, the American people down. The only way to get their attention is to vote all of them out of office when given the opportunity to do so. Can I get some of that stimulus package for my bathroom now?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
If Only
If Only
If I only knew your thoughts
What you are thinking
No use today - even tomorrow
Your stubborness and cold heart
are keeping us apart
You win my friend -
Another New Year passes
We sip on wine
And secretly remember
The memories of our past
Knowing how profoundly
Our love still lasts
You sit and I wait
The clock continues in endless tick
If I only knew your thoughts.
With a Heart of Love,
Bonnie Tierney
Author & Veteran
Thursday, October 23, 2008
With A Heart of Love for the 241
To My Comrades
You are not alone today
You stand tall and with your family by your side
Memories of your past will live on forever
In the hearts and souls of so many
Your names are each etched on the wall
And through time many have come to understand
The how, who, what where and when
The senselessness of the attack on the Marine barracks
that took each of you from us
Today though, I remember with a Heart of Love
I remember not the darkness but the love
That each of your families and loved ones send my way
For on this day I have surrendered
My pain, my tears and all that I remember
You are not alone today
You stand tall and with your family by your side
Memories of your past will live on forever
In the hearts and souls of so many
Your names are each etched on the wall
And through time many have come to understand
The how, who, what where and when
The senselessness of the attack on the Marine barracks
that took each of you from us
Today though, I remember with a Heart of Love
I remember not the darkness but the love
That each of your families and loved ones send my way
For on this day I have surrendered
My pain, my tears and all that I remember
That is destructive to my personal being
I will learn to walk in the light
With you by side giving me strength
To know that today I too have given my all
Light a candle for me my friends
Hold me by your side
In your hearts and souls
I will now forever reside
With a Heart of Love
Written for the 241 soldiers
Who are no longer just names on a wall
Bonnie Tierney
October 23, 2008
I will learn to walk in the light
With you by side giving me strength
To know that today I too have given my all
Light a candle for me my friends
Hold me by your side
In your hearts and souls
I will now forever reside
With a Heart of Love
Written for the 241 soldiers
Who are no longer just names on a wall
Bonnie Tierney
October 23, 2008
For the Grace of God....
The Heart of My Ocean
You are the heart of my ocean
Your very existence keeps me alive
Nothing else around me seems to matter
I’m holding on to this feeling – so fearful of letting go
Time seems so endless and yet I know the clock is ticking
The waves cover me – the water pounding against my face
The pain continues, relentless in the effort to arouse me
Vivid memories rip at the very core of my existence
Why can’t I forget?
Then I reach down – deep into my heart
I’m reminded of you again
Nothing can hurt me anymore
For I have given more than I have left
And that which remains is all that I have.
You are the heart of my ocean
When the sun sets and the ocean grows calm
And you lie down to rest
I will close my eyes and rest with you
For all that matters will be no more
Why? You are the heart of my ocean.
By
B.J. Tierney
December 31, 2001
Written for
“Rose” who wears “Big Shoes”
You are the heart of my ocean
Your very existence keeps me alive
Nothing else around me seems to matter
I’m holding on to this feeling – so fearful of letting go
Time seems so endless and yet I know the clock is ticking
The waves cover me – the water pounding against my face
The pain continues, relentless in the effort to arouse me
Vivid memories rip at the very core of my existence
Why can’t I forget?
Then I reach down – deep into my heart
I’m reminded of you again
Nothing can hurt me anymore
For I have given more than I have left
And that which remains is all that I have.
You are the heart of my ocean
When the sun sets and the ocean grows calm
And you lie down to rest
I will close my eyes and rest with you
For all that matters will be no more
Why? You are the heart of my ocean.
By
B.J. Tierney
December 31, 2001
Written for
“Rose” who wears “Big Shoes”
The powerful "Grace" in My Life
Re-dedicated this October 23, 2008
Dedicated to the 241 Who Sacrificed the Ultimate
I STILL REMEMBER
When I raised my hand and took my oath
I could have never known
The land I loved with all my heart
Would send me far from home.
There across the ocean nearly 23 years ago
In a land so far away
My life suddenly changed in just one day.
Soldiers upon soldiers
One by one they came
In black body bags
Some just in pieces
Body parts covered in dirt and soil
From terror in a land so far away
Handle them gently and love them greatly
For they died in their sleep
So senseless they died for no reason
In the fall of the season
They spoke to me one by one:
I am in heaven
Take what remains and honor me, but weep for me no more.
Like you my solider, we always stand at death’s door.
I took my oath to honor and obey
Now, strength and courage is yours to display.
Weep for me no more.
Though I was sleeping in the barracks that night
I would have rather had a chance to fight
But terrorism is a coward even in the darkness of the night.
The battle will continue my friend
Your life will be changed forever
For on this day you send me home
You will always remember.
Weep for me no more
You now have to struggle each and every day.
I wish with all my heart I could take your pain away
But I know I cannot
Weep for me no more.
Return me to the land I love
To the country that I served
Please honor me in a way I deserve.
Nearly 23 years have passed and I still remember
The 241 Marine soldiers who died and went home in November.
By
Bonnie J. Tierney
April 6, 2006
When I raised my hand and took my oath
I could have never known
The land I loved with all my heart
Would send me far from home.
There across the ocean nearly 23 years ago
In a land so far away
My life suddenly changed in just one day.
Soldiers upon soldiers
One by one they came
In black body bags
Some just in pieces
Body parts covered in dirt and soil
From terror in a land so far away
Handle them gently and love them greatly
For they died in their sleep
So senseless they died for no reason
In the fall of the season
They spoke to me one by one:
I am in heaven
Take what remains and honor me, but weep for me no more.
Like you my solider, we always stand at death’s door.
I took my oath to honor and obey
Now, strength and courage is yours to display.
Weep for me no more.
Though I was sleeping in the barracks that night
I would have rather had a chance to fight
But terrorism is a coward even in the darkness of the night.
The battle will continue my friend
Your life will be changed forever
For on this day you send me home
You will always remember.
Weep for me no more
You now have to struggle each and every day.
I wish with all my heart I could take your pain away
But I know I cannot
Weep for me no more.
Return me to the land I love
To the country that I served
Please honor me in a way I deserve.
Nearly 23 years have passed and I still remember
The 241 Marine soldiers who died and went home in November.
By
Bonnie J. Tierney
April 6, 2006
Resubmitted: October 23, 2008
25 Years Later
Friday, October 17, 2008
On My Knees I Fall
I regrettably will not see the wall
This year on the 25th anniversary
Of the Beirut bombing that took 241 souls
On my knees I fall
They call me to the wall – to the other wall
One by one they call me
I see them clearly now and like you
I touch the wall and yes,
On my knees I fall
In my dreams I touch the wall
I remember how I touched them
And how they touched me
On my knees I fall
25 Years have passed and I Still Remember
Things that no man should ever see
You do not know me
You do not know who I am
I can tell you though ~ I am not a man
For on the day I sent them home
I gave them each a piece of my heart
It was then that I took an oath
To do my “motherly” part
For on my knees I will continue to fall
Because the 241 souls ~ gave their all.
On your knees please ~ for you too, must fall.
Written by:
Bonnie J. Tierney
August 18, 2008
Author & Veteran
Locked in Time – I Still Remember and Always Will
Composed on the day I found out that the Stamp Committee denied the right
To Issue a Stamp in honor of those who fell…
This year on the 25th anniversary
Of the Beirut bombing that took 241 souls
On my knees I fall
They call me to the wall – to the other wall
One by one they call me
I see them clearly now and like you
I touch the wall and yes,
On my knees I fall
In my dreams I touch the wall
I remember how I touched them
And how they touched me
On my knees I fall
25 Years have passed and I Still Remember
Things that no man should ever see
You do not know me
You do not know who I am
I can tell you though ~ I am not a man
For on the day I sent them home
I gave them each a piece of my heart
It was then that I took an oath
To do my “motherly” part
For on my knees I will continue to fall
Because the 241 souls ~ gave their all.
On your knees please ~ for you too, must fall.
Written by:
Bonnie J. Tierney
August 18, 2008
Author & Veteran
Locked in Time – I Still Remember and Always Will
Composed on the day I found out that the Stamp Committee denied the right
To Issue a Stamp in honor of those who fell…
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