They Should Have Listened

When I heard John McCain indicate during his debate with Senator “Caesar” Obama that had President Reagan listened to his call not to go into Beirut, Lebanon, in 1983, I couldn’t help think at the time how my life would have been different.

Yesterday marked the 35th Anniversary of my enlistment in the United States Air Force and on October 23, 2008, it will be the 25th Anniversary of the Beirut bombing of the Marine barracks in Beirut, Lebanon, where 241 Marines, sailors and soldiers died giving their life in the name of peace.

As one of the officers in charge of the identification and processing of those 241 soldiers, I can’t begin to tell you how much I suffered over these last 25 years “remembering” those I helped return to their loved ones. I wrote my own story, “Locked in Time – I Still Remember and Always Will” and for the first time since I wrote my book, I read it…at least half. It’s too painful to read at times bringing back the days and nights I spent in the tents at Rhein Main Air Base, Frankfurt, Germany.

Since that time, I have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have had thoughts of suicide over and over again. With the help of the Department of Veterans Affairs in Denver, Colorado, my dear therapist and much tried medication, I am living what is close to a “normal” life. Does that mean I have forgotten – no, absolutely not. I will NEVER forget but I have managed to become more educated about PTSD and how to control my “trigger” points. A “trigger” is something that causes and individual to “go back” to the time and place where they experienced the horrific trauma. A “trigger” is anything that may cause one who has PTSD to relive an event.

In my case, “Thanksgiving Day” is one of many “triggers” in my life. For the last twenty-four years I have been unable to experience the joy of a Thanksgiving Day dinner with my friends or family. We finished identifying all the soldiers before Thanksgiving Day in 1983 and I recall inviting some of those that worked with me over for dinner. We were sitting around the table and I brought the turkey out of the oven. As I began to carve the turkey I recall thinking that turkey looked like flesh and when I saw the liquid oozing from the turkey, it reminded me of the liquid that oozed from the decayed body parts that I so gently touched and so I began to “toss my cookies” all over the dinner table and what followed was a chain reaction from my friends. Needless to say, it was an emotionally damaging event.

Last year at Thanksgiving, I tried once again to enjoy my day with a hearty dinner. The dog passed gas and I ended up “tossing my cookies” in my wine glass and running out the living room door yelling, “it smells like dead bodies” and as I ran out the front door, I continued to “toss my cookies” in the front yard and wet my pants. What do you say to your friends when you return – “excuse me, I just had a PTSD moment!” As I look at their faces in shock over what they just saw, I see pity in their eyes as they look at me. I don’t want anyone’s pity; I just want to heal from these traumatic memories.
So it is in hearing John McCain say something to the affect, “I told them we shouldn’t go into Beirut and they didn’t listen” and why I sit here now, nearly twenty-five years later and wonder why those in government were not paying attention to him. I wonder so many things, most of all, I wonder how different my life would be today if I had not been involved with “Project ID.”

With a Heart of Love,


Bonnie Tierney
Author & Veteran